We don’t uncover triggers to avoid them. We uncover triggers to heal them. Being triggered is not just having a weirdly big reaction to a small thing. When you’re triggered, your body perceives this moment right now as if it is a similar moment from your past in which you had no control, choice, or safety.  The question is, “Why do I get so triggered in relationships and how do I prove to my body that I am safe?” Great question. I can’t wait to tell you.

“Trauma was created in relationship, so that’s where it has to be healed.” – Gabor Maté

For many of us, just growing up created triggers. As kids, we rarely had much control or choice, and that often left us feeling trapped. On top of that, a lot of us didn’t feel safe. Triggers also develop from abuse, trauma, or any situation where we didn’t have control, safety, or choice. Relationships created those wounds, so only relationships can truly heal them.

One Husband’s Biggest Trigger in Relationship—and the Story of How We Healed It

My client got deeply triggered in relationships when his wife was tired or sick. This came to a head in his wife’s first trimester of pregnancy when– surprise– tired and sick became her default. That meant they had a lot of confusing fights. He resented her for needing rest, and she resented him for not letting her just be tired.

She felt like she was walking on eggshells, hiding how she really felt. He kept ping-ponging between trying not to be angry and drowning in guilt. It was exhausting.

In our session, I gently asked him, “When your wife tired or sick, it feels like you think she’s attacking you. Did someone make you feel that way when you were little?”

His jaw dropped. In that moment, he realized that his mother used to weaponize her tiredness and sickness. It was the only time she felt heard—so she leaned into it often. As soon as she said she was tired or unwell, he lost his sense of control, choice, and safety. She broke promises. She rejected him. She even locked him out of the house. When she felt unwell, he could do no right.

So when his wife was simply tired and needed to rest, his body kicked into full defensive mode. Even if he didn’t consciously know it, he feared she would turn into his mom. He expected his wife to dismiss him, criticize him, judge him, or even shut him out.

Once he understood where that trigger came from, he could finally see why he reacted the way he did—and how to stop. Regulating his emotions got a lot simpler. Not always easier, but simpler. He started turning inward before reacting outward. He would talk to his younger self and say, “Hey, little guy. I know you think we’re not safe, but we are. You’re not powerless anymore. I’ve got you.”

And then he’d remind himself, “She’s not my mom. She loves me, even when she’s tired or sick.”

He started recognizing the pattern. Instead of resenting his wife, he would pause and say, “Oh crap, I feel like I’m six and you’re my mom.” And if she noticed it first, she’d gently ask, “Are you feeling triggered by me being tired right now? Because I’m just a tired woman who loves you. I’m not your mom.” This is a perfect example of the fact that healing is something no one can do for you, but that you cannot do alone.

Healing is something no one can do for you, but that you cannot do alone.

Three months later, the trigger was gone. He stopped getting defensive around tiredness—hers or anyone else’s. Do you get how huge that is? He took the bullet out of the wound. And conversation by conversation, the infection healed. Now, when she brushes up against what used to be a wound, there’s no explosion. There’s just a badass scar. Healing is something no one can do for you, but that you cannot do alone.

A Step-by-Step Process for When You’re Triggered in Relationship

We do not uncover triggers to avoid them. We uncover them to heal them.

You know when you get triggered in relationships, and you’re like, “But I don’t want to be triggered! Dang it. How do I stop being triggered?” Here’s what you do: 

1. Tell your partner: “I’m giving you a hard time because I’m having a really hard time right now. I don’t know why it’s this hard yet. I need a minute.”

2. Take the minute: You actually take a minute. During that minute, maybe you go for a little walk, or sometimes you just set the timer and you close your eyes and breathe. 

3. Ask yourself:
“Okay, self. Why is this so hard?”
Then use the SEEN Method questions:

• S – What was I taught to be scared of?
  Rejection, punishment, being unloved, ignored, disliked?
• E – What was I taught to be embarrassed about?
  Being needy, selfish, annoying, too much, not enough?
• E – What was I taught to expect of myself or others?
  To need nothing? To put myself last? To never disappoint?
• N – What was I taught I shouldn’t need?
  To be seen, heard, held, helped, valued, accepted?

Transforming Triggers in Relationships into Deep Connection

After reflecting on those questions, you can return to your partner and say something like:
“Here’s why that moment hurt me so much. It reminded me of something painful from my past.”

Then, if you’re both open to it, use a reflection tool like the Mirror Game (more on that in another post).

When you treat your triggers as invitations to get curious—not combat ready—you turn your biggest conflicts into your deepest connection points. I’ve seen it in my marriage, and I’ve seen it with countless coaching clients.

If You Want to Go Deeper…

Check out my blog, download the SEEN Method eBook, or join the next round of my “Forever Should Be Fun” 8-week class.

I teach communication tools, and here’s why I think they’re overrated (when it comes to healing triggers in relationships)

I love my parents and have no interest in blaming them for my problems. Some people can’t stand their parents and don’t want to dwell on that pain. Most of us are somewhere in between. So when we first try to stop getting triggered, we avoid looking back.

I told myself, “I’m an adult now. My childhood shouldn’t still affect me.”

But we don’t look at our past to figure out who to blame. That just keeps us stuck, still feeling like a powerless kid. Understanding your past—that’s where the power is. Triggers show us that part of us still believes the past is happening. When we look at it head-on, we can finally identify the fear… and then prove it wrong.

Communication tools, self-improvement, and meditation? They help. But they’re like stitching a wound—stitch it shut isn’t helpful if the bullet’s still in there.

If I don’t face the past, it festers. When someone touches the wound, I yelp and lash out. I blame them or blame myself—but either way, I stay stuck. Healing the trigger means removing the bullet, cleaning the wound, and finally letting it close.

The only way forward is through understanding and connecting with yourself and with each other.

That’s how we stop repeating the past and finally step into the life and relationships we long for.